A week after I wrote my Thanksgiving post, my marriage blew up... It didn't just fall apart, it actually exploded... Ok, so maybe it was me who exploded...
Last week we signed the papers that ended our 18 year marriage. It is always sad when a dream dies... This particular dream died a very slow, sometimes agonizing death. But I have no regrets. I tried. We tried. We worked on it. I didn't just give up. We worked on it for almost 10 years. And we got three very awesome kids out of it. And they got to see how to work on a marriage and not just give up... But that is so not what this post is about... It is about moving on. And not just moving on, but doing it the right way...
I went through a period of chaos that lasted for about 8 months... Heck, even now I am still fighting it...
I have been so stinkin lonely for so very long. Over a year. I have been missing a part of me for a very long time and I have gone a little nuts trying to fill that void. I have been missing companionship. I have been missing love. I have been missing the feeling of being the center of someones world. I have been missing conversation. After all that I had been through, I was desperate to feel wanted. To feel special. That I was interesting enough to hold someones attention. That I was important to someone. That I was worthy of someones undivided attention and love. That I was a person that someone could like and find attractive. Someone that deserved to be loved for who I was and not for what I could do for them. To be loved unconditionally... Satan has so effectively told me that I obviously am none of these. I was so eager to prove him wrong. To prove myself wrong... And I went about it in totally the wrong way.
I found the joys of online dating sites... Now, some are good and there is no doubt in my mind that they can work. That people meet their soul mates on them. There is nothing wrong with putting a profile on them and praying for the best. There are tons of success stories out there to back it up. I have made friends on these sites...
But they do become a problem when you become obsessed with being on these sites. When you become obsessed with the attention you get from the people on these sites. When it becomes an addiction. When you find yourself checking the site for views or messages or flirts at least 50 times a day. At least 50, usually more. When you let the opinions of people you have never met and most likely have lied about who and what and how they are, dictate how you see yourself.
I did that. I was addicted... Obsessed... Whether or not someone wrote me back or viewed my profile without sending me a message or flirting with me dictated my attitude about myself that day. I was letting these strangers, not all, but most likely not very nice people have control over my life. They said I was unworthy. And I believed them... One Sunday I was on my way home, thinking and obsessing over this, when God clearly said to me "Becky, stop... You are throwing your pearls before swine..." And I was... (That also happened to be the day I met a very dear friend, but that is one pearl I will keep to myself...) Through all that I have been through, I have never lost my hope in God. But it was on this day that I realized I had lost my focus...
We are all made with a hole inside of us... In my mind, it is shaped like a puzzle piece. There is only one piece that could ever fill that hole. So many of us feel that it is our job, our right, our duty to find the missing piece. To find it all on our own... And it is like a game of Hide and Seek. That it is hidden and we must find it. But really, it is in front of us at all times. It is all around us. He is standing right next to us. It is the God shaped hole that he put in all of us. And He is the missing piece. The only one that can fill that hole...
So many of us don't see that. We try to fill that hole with so many different things. Drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, relationships, hobbies, etc... We find someone who we think fits perfectly... Sometimes it is like a round peg in a square hole. It feels right for a while, but there is too much room and we are left wanting and trying to fill in the gaps. Other times it is like a square peg in a round hole. We think it fits, but after a while we realize it is too tight. It is hard to remove. It is very uncomfortable and overbearing...
It isn't until we put the God shaped piece in the God shaped hole that the whole puzzle of our lives comes into focus and we can see the whole beautiful picture that He has made for us.
We were never meant to be solitary figures. We are meant to be a part of a whole. If you are like me, you are impatient and you think that you have to be in charge of your life. And you fill the hole with all the wrong things and then you say "But Lord, I am your child... Why didn't this work?" When your whole life's focus is getting the person you are interested in, love, married to, to love you and value you... You miss life. You will never be free to live if you are depending on other people to meet your needs... Only God can do that. He wants to be in charge of your life. And really, until you hand over the reigns, nothing will ever feel right...
About a month ago I realized that I needed to refocus my life. My vision became clearer. I deleted my profiles. I am choosing to put my hope in the promise that God gave me that he is already working on the man He has made for me. That He is shaping him into the man I need him to be. Just as He is shaping me into the woman that my man needs me to be. When the time is right, when it is God's time, we will meet. The veil will be lifted and we will see each other for who we are. And we will have a relationship where God is in the center, and not just a bystander. But until then, I will keep my focus. I will continue to find out just who this Becky, this Bec person is. And I will continue to pray for my man... And I hope to God, he is praying for me. Because I can use all the prayers I can get...
