Saturday, June 22, 2013

Holes

A week after I wrote my Thanksgiving post, my marriage blew up... It didn't just fall apart, it actually exploded... Ok, so maybe it was me who exploded...
Last week we signed the papers that ended our 18 year marriage. It is always sad when a dream dies... This particular dream died a very slow, sometimes agonizing death. But I have no regrets. I tried. We tried. We worked on it. I didn't just give up. We worked on it for almost 10 years. And we got three very awesome kids out of it. And they got to see how to work on a marriage and not just give up... But that is so not what this post is about... It is about moving on. And not just moving on, but doing it the right way...
I went through a period of chaos that lasted for about 8 months... Heck, even now I am still fighting it...
I have been so stinkin lonely for so very long. Over a year. I have been missing a part of me for a very long time and I have gone a little nuts trying to fill that void. I have been missing companionship. I have been missing love. I have been missing the feeling of being the center of someones world. I have been missing conversation. After all that I had been through, I was desperate to feel wanted. To feel special. That I was interesting enough to hold someones attention. That I was important to someone. That I was worthy of someones undivided attention and love. That I was a person that someone could like and find attractive. Someone that deserved to be loved for who I was and not for what I could do for them. To be loved unconditionally... Satan has so effectively told me that I obviously am none of these. I was so eager to prove him wrong. To prove myself wrong... And I went about it in totally the wrong way.
I found the joys of online dating sites... Now, some are good and there is no doubt in my mind that they can work. That people meet their soul mates on them. There is nothing wrong with putting a profile on them and praying for the best. There are tons of success stories out there to back it up. I have made friends on these sites...
But they do become a problem when you become obsessed with being on these sites. When you become obsessed with the attention you get from the people on these sites. When it becomes an addiction. When you find yourself checking the site for views or messages or flirts at least 50 times a day. At least 50, usually more. When you let the opinions of people you have never met and most likely have lied about who and what and how they are, dictate how you see yourself.
I did that. I was addicted... Obsessed... Whether or not someone wrote me back or viewed my profile without sending me a message or flirting with me dictated my attitude about myself that day. I was letting these strangers, not all, but most likely not very nice people have control over my life. They said I was unworthy. And I believed them... One Sunday I was on my way home, thinking and obsessing over this, when God clearly said to me "Becky, stop... You are throwing your pearls before swine..." And I was... (That also happened to be the day I met a very dear friend, but that is one pearl I will keep to myself...) Through all that I have been through, I have never lost my hope in God. But it was on this day that I realized I had lost my focus...
We are all made with a hole inside of us... In my mind, it is shaped like a puzzle piece. There is only one piece that could ever fill that hole. So many of us feel that it is our job, our right, our duty to find the missing piece. To find it all on our own... And it is like a game of Hide and Seek. That it is hidden and we must find it. But really, it is in front of us at all times. It is all around us. He is standing right next to us. It is the God shaped hole that he put in all of us. And He is the missing piece. The only one that can fill that hole...
So many of us don't see that. We try to fill that hole with so many different things. Drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, relationships, hobbies, etc... We find someone who we think fits perfectly... Sometimes it is like a round peg in a square hole. It feels right for a while, but there is too much room and we are left wanting and trying to fill in the gaps. Other times it is like a square peg in a round hole. We think it fits, but after a while we realize it is too tight. It is hard to remove. It is very uncomfortable and overbearing...
It isn't until we put the God shaped piece in the God shaped hole that the whole puzzle of our lives comes into focus and we can see the whole beautiful picture that He has made for us.
We were never meant to be solitary figures. We are meant to be a part of a whole. If you are like me, you are impatient and you think that you have to be in charge of your life. And you fill the hole with all the wrong things and then you say "But Lord, I am your child... Why didn't this work?" When your whole life's focus is getting the person you are interested in, love, married to, to love you and value you... You miss life. You will never be free to live if you are depending on other people to meet your needs... Only God can do that. He wants to be in charge of your life. And really, until you hand over the reigns, nothing will ever feel right...
About a month ago I realized that I needed to refocus my life. My vision became clearer. I deleted my profiles. I am choosing to put my hope in the promise that God gave me that he is already working on the man He has made for me. That He is shaping him into the man I need him to be. Just as He is shaping me into the woman that my man needs me to be. When the time is right, when it is God's time, we will meet. The veil will be lifted and we will see each other for who we are. And we will have a relationship where God is in the center, and not just a bystander. But until then, I will keep my focus. I will continue to find out just who this Becky, this Bec person is. And I will continue to pray for my man... And I hope to God, he is praying for me. Because I can use all the prayers I can get...

Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm still here...

As I'm sure you know, my life has been more upside down this past month than the last oh, I don't know how many months... I am working on a post... It is one that I am taking my time on, as it means a lot to me... Please bear with me!

Until then, I will leave you with a few pictures I took when I was walking with God in the Smokey Mountain National Park... My favorite place in the world... My thoughtful spot... My healing place...

 God is the most awesome artist!
 
 The path of life is not always easy...
 
 If you look for God, you will find him...
 
 Our God is an Awesome God!
 
 As the mountains surround Jerusalem...
 
 Peace like a river...
 
I will cling to the Rock...
 


Friday, November 23, 2012

Life as BEC

I have been working on this one post for several weeks now. I just couldn't get my words right. My thoughts straight...
But I think I'm ready now...
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. My mom and my Morris came up. I made a big spread. I tend to go over board, plus cooking for Babyson means most of it is made from scratch. We had a whole turkey, which is now being made into stock for future uses (would you believe that just over a year ago I had and aversion to touching bone-in poultry? Couldn't stand it. Made me gag. Now I de-bone my own chicken and make my own stock. I still don't like to eat it on the bone, but I can touch it now!), mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, broccoli casserole (because Babyson can't have green beans), home made cranberry sauce, home made gravy, and bread made in the crock pot (an experiment I will have to tell you about later...). I also made a pumpkin pie and whipped my own cream. My point in all of this is, I was so busy planning and making this feast, I forgot to think and remember what I was thankful for, what I was blessed with.... I also forgot to go grocery shopping for regular everyday food, so we have no food in the house besides left overs, but that is besides the point... Erhm...
As I sit here listening and looking at my sweet beautiful mother, snuggle with my wonderful daughter, listen to my boys pester and tease each other, I feel the need to express what I am thankful for. Blessed with...

I am Blessed 2 B the daughter of my mother. My Mother is wonderful and one of my heroes. She has been through a lot in her life, but she has always come out on top. She is a strong woman who rolls with the punches and makes lemonade out of the lemons life gives her. I am proud to say that I am a lot like her. I always had a happy home. I always felt loved and taken care of. No matter how hard things were. I hope I can pass that on to my own children.

I am Blessed 2 B the daughter of three wonderful men. I only knew my biological father for just over 3 years. But what I remember of him is wonderful. I don't remember any bad. I remember love. I remember his hands. Holding me, playing with me, comforting me. I remember dancing with him, and the surprises he always had for me in his shirt pockets.
My Mother started dating my first step father when I was 4. All of my childhood memories have him in them. Even after he and my mom divorced, he still saw me as his daughter. And he still does.
When I was 15, my Mama married my second step father, Morris. I call him my Morris, because a lot of people these days have step fathers, but only I have a Morris. He was there when I was going through my rebellious teenage years and all the ups and downs that came with them. And he still loves me! He takes good care of my Mama. It warms my heart...

I am Blessed 2 B the mother of my children. Some say that before we are born, while we are still spirits in heaven, we choose who we want to be born to. If that is true, I am so very honored and humbled that my children chose me to be their mother. That God saw me fit to raise them is a great blessing.
My daughter, my Babygirl. She is so beautiful, both inside and out. She is so much smarter and mature than I was at her age. She teaches me wisdom and love every day. She has an amazing ability for doing whatever she puts her mind to.
My Eldestson. He teaches me kindness and determination. He is so smart, he blows me away. He also has an amazing ability to do whatever he puts his mind to. He has it in his mind to go to Harvard or MIT or the Air Force Academy one day, and I am sure he will make it.
My Babyson. He has been my life changing child. He has grown up with allergies and asthma and ADHD, and has never complained. He rolls with the punches. And he overcomes. These have been a part of his life from almost the beginning. But they have not defined him. He has taught me patience. Lots of patience. Because of him, I have found a better way to feed my family, and a new found passion in how to take care of them.

I am Blessed 2 B the wife of my Husband. We have been through so much, so many ups and downs. And we are still in this together. He teaches me the power of hope. Of how someone can overcome and change their life. And that each day is a lesson in choices and forgiveness. We all have choices in this life. Some we make, some that are made for us. It is what we do with these choices that defines us.

And, because I am Blessed 2 B the child of my Creator, I have received all of these blessings. He has been with me through out my life. He knows how terminally screwed up I am, and my hopeless ability to screw up my life and everything in it. And He loves me anyways. He has always loved me. Even before me or any of my ancestors walked this earth, he loved me so much that he sent His Babyson to be killed in my place. I could never do that. But He did. I am so unworthy, but yet so blessed... I am Blessed Eternally by my Creator. And that is what I have decided to call my blog.

This is Life as BEC...
 
 
 
 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Life as a River

Life was never promised to be constant. Never in His instruction manual did God ever promise that it would be. It is like a river. Constantly moving, constantly changing. Sometimes overflowing, sometimes nearly dried up. Sometimes making waves that splash over the banks, sometimes peaceful and smooth as glass... And who would want an unchanging life, anyways. Think about it. If a river gets blocked off, has no flow in or out, it becomes stagnant. Things rot and decay. Things die. It literally stinks. Who would want that? God does not want that for us. Definitely not in our spiritual life (really how much life can you bring to His Garden if you are rotted and decayed inside?), and especially in our physical life. My favorite passage right now in this time of ebb and flow, of known and unknown, is Jeremiah 29:11-14. It speaks to me so much right now.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”  (NLT)

I know that God has great things planned for us. I also know that he never promised that the road would be paved and smooth with nice, clean little rest stops and amazing free points of interest along the way (anyone know of an awesome glass jar museum?). It is going to be bumpy, hilly, rocky and at times down right difficult to tread. But he promises amazing things at the end of our journey.

Our life, My life, is changing in so many ways lately. I, we, have started on so many journeys right now. I am trying to change the way my family eats and approaches everything that has to do with our bodies. I have found a love for making herbal anything. Though that is a road that is most often paved with good intentions... I have tried to keep chemical medicines out of mine and my family's body. Though I have faltered many times... Like today...

I have had a horrible sore throat for the last couple of days and I have tried to treat it naturally. But I was afraid that it may be strep throat. I didn't trust my very little self taught herbal knowledge to be able to treat it effectively. And being around all my babies, I didn't want to risk infecting them, so I went to the doctor. It was just "allergies", with all the farmers picking cotton and plowing peanuts around here, and it was making it's way from my sinuses down my throat and into my upper chest. I got a steroid shot and an antibiotic shot. I also got a perscription for antibiotics and cough medicine with codeine. I admit, my new natural side was ranting and raving "It's going to take me forever to get this stuff out of my system! And not to mention rebuilding the flora in my gut! (not that it was perfect to begin with...)" And then the practical side of myself says "Hey, you have an obsession with soda and french fries, not to mention the convenience food habit you are trying to kick. You have done really good on kicking the wintergreen habit (which, if you really know me, you know how much of an accomplishment that was. I could go through a large bag in less than two days... it was bad... but I have been wintergreen free for 10 months now... perhaps that should be a subject for another post sometime... my theory on addictions no matter how small... hmmm.... and i am rambling...). Don't be so hard on yourself!" See... A rocky road...

But, I do feel a bit better. My voice is starting to come back and I can almost speak a whole paragraph without feeling like I am struggling to force air through my swollen throat. That's something to be said for modern medicine. And I choose to believe that everything I was doing on my own (gargling grapefruit seed extract mixed in salt water, eating Tbs of honey, taking garlic pills, drinking licorice and marshmallow root tea) weakened the debilitating effects of this horrible crippling illness (ahm... sorry... got carried away)... To try and redeem myself, I have some slippery elm and licorice root tea throat lozenges drying in the oven... Baby steps... Tiny little baby steps...

Hubbyman has been telling me that I need to get back on this blog. To tell my stories and my journeys and my recipes. I think I may start doing that. I don't like the title of my blog. I need to change it. I have no idea what to change it to... Have any ideas? Ramblings of a mad woman?
Anywho... I plan on getting on here more. I plan on sharing with you how our many journeys are progressing. And the many stumbles, ruts and tripping over our feet along the way. And maybe, it might help someone get through some of the stumbles in their own journey. Because, hey, we are human.
But, God is Divine.

~b

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Dairy and other boring things...

I know, the title of this post inspires anticipation and eagerness in you... I bet you are saying to yourself "Self, we must go check out that awesome blog!"... What?? You didn't say that to yourself?? Oh, ok...
Ok, here's the reason for this post... I am working on a deep meaningful post, but I have writers block. So I thought to myself "Self,I bet the best way to get over that block is to blog about you day/weekend." So, here I am...
Preschool started this week. I really do love my job, though it is stressful sometimes. I have the priviledge of teaching toddlers. It is truly my favorite age to teach. They are so fun and loving at this age. And I have some great kids. Though, this is the youngest class I have had yet. My oldest will turn 2 in November, the youngest will turn 2 at the end of May... I have often said that the act of getting my classes to walk down the hall from one place to another was like hurding cats, this year it is more like fish... Sqiggly, slippery fish...
And now on to the dairy... We have finished Nic's two weeks of elimenations and now we are adding things back in. Today we started him on dairy. I made his morning shake with milk, and... Ok, well thinking back on today, I realize my brain was still in the no dairy mode... Besides the butter he had on his glutin free roll, and some ranch dressing, that is all the dairy he's had today... Hummm... Instead of forgetting and feeding him food with stuff he's not supposed to have in it, I'm forgetting to feed him stuff that does have it... I guess he acted up a little at church with Jon, and had a teeny tiny bit if a tummy ache after church, I haven't really seen much of a reaction. So may be it's not dairy that is the trouble maker...
I did have a revelation this week as Nic and I were driving to school... I have always, selfishly, felt a bit burdened by my babyson's troubles... The "why me?" syndrome. I am very ashamed of this. But it hit me as Nic and I were praying... God opened my eyes and helped me to see past my selfishness. I am not being burdened by having him a's a son... I am reaping so many blessings by having him as a son. It's not a "why me?", it's a "WOW... Me!". I was chosen to be the mother of this wonderful boy. I was chosen to be the mother to these three wonderfully awesome children... I am blessed beyond measure...
Hmmm... May be this wasn't so boring after all...

Friday, September 2, 2011

My First Post...

So, I bet you thought that Jonathan (and yes, he will for ever be Jonathan, Jon, or Jon Henry to me... I just can't bring myself to call him JB...) was the only writer in the family... (and as you will notice I do this (...) a lot...) Well, he's not... He may be the better writer... Any ways, I have thought about starting a blog for quite a while now and figured now was as good a time as any. Lots of changes are going on in the Bartlett household lately... (See, told you...) Biggest and Best is my Hubby Man's incredible shrinking body. 
Isn't it awesome!  And my incredible non-shrinking body... But your not getting a picture of that... But we have started as a family trying to eat better and making better food choices... Which has led to the second biggest change: Babyson's ADHD diet...  Oy... But some back ground on that...
                                                                  Babyson being tough

Nic was diagnosed with ADHD in 2007. You say "What's new, a lot of kids have it these days...". Well, so did I.
Me teaching children for the past 8 years, I know how it is when a child has a problem and everyone is seeing it, except the parents... I didn't want us to be those kind of parents. So, when his Kindergarten teacher suggested that we may want to get him tested, we did. He had mild/moderate ADHD.  That really explained all the screaming he did as a baby... All the running back and forth from the living room to dining room and back, bouncing off walls... Literally... So, we put him on medicine.  For the last 4 years we have gone up doses, down doses, in-between doses. We couldn't find one that kept him focused and let his bubbling personality come through. This kid has an AWESOME personality... He is funny, he is a chatter box... The kid LOVES to sing... He can break out into song at any given moment... He sings MJ's "Bad" in the middle of class...He is AWESOME. Period. (Ok, before Baby Girl and Eldestson get jealous, I'm sure you will get posts written about you... This one is about your brother) It breaks my heart to see him as a zombie when he is on his meds... We took him off his meds this summer. Yeah, it was hard, but we survived... (You know, it really is hard to think and write when your Hubby Man is in the background chomping and crunching cereal... :-/ urgh...) We decided we hated "the zombie" so much that we were going to keep him off his meds during school... (Cue begging and pleading from teacher...) (Really, his teacher is a wonderful teacher and she is doing awesome with him and we love her so very much! What can I say, she puts up with me and my quirks...) So, we compromised and brought him down to half of what he was taking. But that didn't seem to be helping him very much and wore off quickly. All during this, Hubby Man is losing weight and eating right and yadda yadda... I figured it might just be something the whole family might want to get in on. So, in my researching of diets and better eating for our family, I came across the ADHD Diet. That sparked a memory of an amazing little boy that we had in our school.. I had him for 2 yr old daycare. When he was 2, he was diagnosed with autism. He barely talked. Barely interacted with the other children. Couldn't look you in the face. They had him tested for allergies. They found out that he had allergies to nearly everything under the sun. Ok, maybe not everything, but A LOT of stuff. His mother got to reading and researching and found out that food allergies can cause a lot of different reactions. One of them autism. So, she removed all the food he was allergic to and started him on different supplements. By the time this boy was 4, he was a different child. He was cleared of the label autism and now leads a very high functioning life. That made me wonder, maybe peanuts wasn't all that Nic is allergic to... So, this past Monday, I changed his diet. No gluten, no dairy, no eggs, no corn, no oranges, no preservatives, no artificial colors or flavors, very low sugar. I added Omegas and a suppliment that has minerals to help him focus.  He will eat this way for two weeks and then we will start introducing the things we took out back into his diet and see if he has a reaction. What he has a reaction to, will be eliminated from his diet permanantly.  It is a rough road. It is hard to find things for him to eat. I am notoriously bad at sticking to things.
But this is for my son... I am better at doing things for my children than I am for myself... I know it will be worth it in the end..
He has not tried to bounce off of walls for the past two days...
I still need prayers...